I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
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He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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