peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
