Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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