You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
