She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
