I think I won the penis lottery.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
