Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
