All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
