saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
