I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she pinky promised me she was 18
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
