i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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