So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
