grandma shit on top of the toilet
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
