If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
