Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
