I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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