We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
