Where is the hickey?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
