Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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