I got chris browned last night
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
