hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
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I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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