I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
