Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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