I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night