I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
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The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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