Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
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so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
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Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him