I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
