She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
