We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
