I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
