I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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