Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
