Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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