ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
