i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
