Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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