Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
