please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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