went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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