Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
