We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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