This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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