No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
