The maid of honor just puked.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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