I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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