The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
