It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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