so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
