i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
two words...techno handjob
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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