Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
