i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
