Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
