My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
