Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
