There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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