Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
