i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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