I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
