The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
