I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
