mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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