she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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