I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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